Cooking Humanity — Chapter One
A fictional culinary essay inspired by dark satire and gastronomic horror. Any resemblance to real persons or acts is purely coincidental.
Hello everyone, I’m a French cuisine chef.
After spending so many years in professional kitchens, I sometimes wonder:
if one day I had to cook human flesh like Hannibal Lecter, how would I apply everything I’ve learned as a chef?
⸻
1. Selection
When choosing livestock such as beef, pork, or lamb, experienced chefs rarely choose animals that are too lean.
Proper movement and muscle activity matter. Excessive fat accumulation is not necessarily a virtue.
Personally, I would approach human selection the same way chefs select ducks.
In French cuisine, canard magret traditionally refers to a mature female duck — larger in size, richer in fat, and prized for flavor.
Humans are no different.
Adult males generally possess around 20% more muscle mass than females, while females naturally carry higher fat content. On top of that, women tend to have less body hair, cleaner follicles, milder body odor, and smoother skin preparation overall.
From a purely culinary perspective, these are undeniable advantages.
⸻
2. Preparation
Bleeding is essential.
Whether for religious tradition or simply to reduce unpleasant flavors, proper exsanguination is the foundation of good meat preparation.
Human flesh, theoretically speaking, would behave similarly to livestock.
After slaughter, the body would require approximately 8–12 hours of resting time to release tension and pass through rigor mortis. Otherwise, the texture would become stiff and unpleasant — like chewing cardboard.
Fasting before death would also be important.
Trust me: when you accidentally puncture the intestines during butchery, you’ll wish the digestive tract had been empty.
⸻
3. Butchery
I would begin at the coccyx, splitting the lower body in two from beneath the pelvis.
Then, starting below the sternum, I would make a long incision through the abdomen, removing the organs and excess fat entirely.
Human offal deserves its own chapter.
At this point, you are left with:
two upper halves
a mass of internal organs
The upper body comes first.
Skin removal would be essential. Human sweat glands are distributed throughout the skin, making it undesirable for consumption.
Next, the shoulders are separated.
If you struggle to locate the joint lines, simply reference lamb anatomy — structurally, it is remarkably similar.
Then come the ribs, loin, and the so-called “human oyster” near the lower back.
Eventually, only the skull attached to the spine remains.
A heavy cleaver beneath the cerebellum would separate the head entirely. The brain and eyes would be discarded.
By now, you would have:
lower body
two arms
spine and skull
loin cuts
ribs
organs
The legs follow the same process.
Remove the skin first.
Cut around the perineum, then separate through the groin to fully detach the pelvis and divide the legs into thighs and shanks.
Feet are subjective.
Some people appreciate their distinctive acidity, but personally, I would throw them away immediately.
⸻
4. Cooking Techniques
A good chef understands that every cut requires its own temperature and cooking method.
The spine, pelvis, hands, and bones would first be roasted at 220°C until deeply caramelized.
Then combined with onions, carrots, leeks, and celery to produce a rich stock.
Simmer for at least 45 minutes while constantly skimming impurities and excess fat.
Strain carefully through a fine chinois, refrigerate overnight, and remove the solidified fat the following day.
Reduce the remaining liquid slowly over low heat.
What you would obtain is nothing less than a three-star Michelin-level jus de viande.
The thighs and shanks, being heavily exercised muscles, would benefit from long, humid cooking methods:
braising
stewing
steaming
slow roasting
Techniques used for pork knuckle, oxtail stew, or beef bourguignon would apply perfectly here.
If the loin remains attached to the rib section, it effectively becomes a human tomahawk steak.
Cuts with moderate fat and lower muscle activity are ideal for direct heat:
grilling
roasting
frying
pan-searing
Feel free to let your imagination wander.
Finally, a special mention goes to the “human oyster.”
Modern humans often carry a thin layer of fat around the lower back, similar to the fat cap on picanha.
Skewered in pairs and seasoned only with coarse salt, the melting fat would naturally baste the meat while protecting it from drying out too quickly over heat.
And thus concludes Chapter One of Cooking Humanity.
Thank you for reading.