Most grief advice assumes you loved the person simply and completely. But what if you did not?

What if you are grieving someone who hurt you, someone you had cut off, or someone you loved and resented in equal measure? That kind of grief does not come with a clean arc. Here are five things I wish someone had told me.

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1. Relief and grief can exist at the same time.

Feeling relieved that someone died does not make you a bad person. It makes you a person who was carrying something heavy. Relief is not the opposite of grief — it is one of its many rooms.

2. You do not owe anyone a eulogy you do not believe.

Social pressure to perform sorrow can make complicated grief worse. You are allowed to stay quiet at the funeral. You are allowed to say "it's complicated" and leave it there.

3. Anger does not cancel out love.

You can be furious at someone and still miss them. These are not contradictions. They are evidence that the relationship was real and layered. Let both exist without choosing a side.

4. The first 90 days are when most people make decisions they regret.

Clearing out belongings, making family announcements, cutting people off, or forcing reconciliation — all of it can wait. Give yourself 90 days before making any permanent decisions about relationships, possessions, or your own story.

5. Sorting your feelings is more useful than processing them.

"Processing" implies there is a finished state. Sorting means: name what you feel, separate it from what others expect you to feel, and decide what you are willing to say out loud. That is more honest and more sustainable.

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If any of this sounds familiar, that is what this space is about. No forced closure, no toxic positivity — just practical tools for the grief nobody wrote a Hallmark card for.