SATIRE. The news is real. Everyone reacting to it is made up.

We take the news you already scrolled past and hand it to a rotating cast of people who should never have gotten these jobs.

What you get:

• New issues every Tuesday and Friday.
• The Wire: real news, wrong opinions.
• Columns from a staff we would not hire either. We did anyway.
• “Just the Facts” boxes. The only true parts. Real reporting, with sources.

The writers are fictional. The jokes are on purpose. If a columnist says he has a lock, he does not.

Not a picks service. Not betting, money or medical advice.